


The warped Pilot.

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M, Romance, episode-related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-03
Updated: 2004-05-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 08:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/354659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody script</p>
            </blockquote>





	The warped Pilot.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody, or travesty if you prefer, of the pilot script, written by Gough and Millar and 

## The warped Pilot.

by Shropshire

[]()

* * *

Disclaimer: The characters, plot and setting are in no way mine. 

transcribed by tmelange here: <http://www.lexslash.com/pdfs/pilot.pdf>. Much of the original material remains. 

Warnings: Bad language. Random inappropriate quoting. British slang. 

* * *

_The camera pans outer space_. _We see meteorites hurtling towards a very bright light_. _Also hurtling is a baby spaceship_. 

_The cameras pans the moon_ ( _and says rude things about the Earth, too_ ). _We see that all this hurtling is aimed at the Earth_. 

_screen text_ : October 1989 

_Cut to a chopper and a cornfield_.  
 _A sign welcomes us to Smallville_ , _Kansas_. _Popular, Creamy and Cornfed_. 

* * *

_Cut to the inner helicopter_. _A man with an evil beard_ (Lionel Luthor) _is reading the funny pages_. _A little boy with improbable hair sits next to him_. _The boy looks like he has a bowel disorder_. 

Lionel: This has goats in it! You can never trust in-flight food! Hold it in, Lex. 

Lex ( _Screwing his face up like he's passing a camel_ ): I can't! 

Lionel: Luthors do not explode. We don't have that luxury.( _He leans over to Lex and breathes in his face_. (*Lex looks no 

happier for this*) You have _dignity_ , Lex. You'll never get anywhere with your bowels smeared across a helicopter. 

* * *

_Cut to View over Smallville_. 

_A small_ , _crow-like girl_ (Lana) _in a terrible fairy princess costume is in a flower shop_. _She's waggling a wand_. 

Lana: Abracadaver. 

_Jonathon and Martha Kent walk into the shop_. _They say ouch_. _Then they go into the shop_ , _mildly concussed_. 

Jonathon: Afternoon, Nell. 

Nell ( _with full on husk_ ): Jonathon! ( _with nails in mouth_ ), Martha! 

What a surprise! What brings the Kent cabal to town? 

Martha: Tulips. They appeared to me in a dream and ordered us to come here. Meh.( _shrugs_ ) 

Nell: Tiger orchids are cooler. 

Jonathon: Martha prefers to dream of tulips. It's her way. 

Nell: Yes, well, she is out of her mind. Divorce her Jonathon! Marry me! I'm sex-on-a-stick! I have 

affidavits! 

_Jonathon and Martha smirk to themselves over that crazy Nell_. 

_Martha feels compelled to join the dark force that is Lana_. 

Martha: That is an interesting dress, Lana. Are you a princess? 

Lana: I'm a fairy princess. For ever and ever and ever. 

Jonathon: Hey, why aren't her parents here? 

Nell: They detest her. They're at the Homecoming game, gurgling with Lana-free joy. 

Lana: Do you want a wish? 

Martha: Sure, spooky child. 

Lana: Okeydoke. ( _brandishes wand dangerously_ ) Abednego! 

* * *

_Cut to the street outside_. _Obviously outside_. _It's a street_. _Martha's in a pickup truck_ , _dreaming idly_. _Jonathon's outside_ , _doing the heavy lifting_. _He gets in the truck_. 

Jonathon: I know what you wished for. 

Martha: I see a little face. It's creeping me out. 

_They snog_ ,* to rid themselves of bad images*. 

Jonathon ( _seeing car parade_ ): Looks like Smallville won again. 

_They drive off_. 

* * *

_Cut to Outer Spaaaaaaace_. _We see the L_ ' _il babby ship and the meteorites hit Earth's atmosphere_. _They do not apologise and are punished for it by spontaneous combustion_. 

* * *

_Cut to a crow in a cornfed field_. _The crow is startled_ , _as you would be_ , _by a rock falling from the sky_. _This is Foreshadowing_. 

_Cut to Lionel_. _He is meeting with some melon farmers by the cornfield_. 

Lionel: Lex? Son? Hey, Carrots! 

_Cut to Lex_ , _who turns around_. 

_Lionel apparently didn't have anything to say after all_. _He turns back to the farmers_. 

Lionel: Where do I sign for some hot melon action, boys? 

Farmer: Right here, Mr Luthor. 

_They snigger as Lionel falls for the old_ " _Melon farmer_ " _ruse and buys a crappy creamed corn factory_. 

_Cut to Lex entering the cornfield_. 

Disembodied Voice: Join usss. 

Lex: Ulp. 

Disembodied and utterly creepy voice: I mean; Help me. Please. 

_Lex runs_. _See Lex run_. _See Lex run into the embodied creepy voice_. 

Scarecrow: Hey. Kid. Oi, _Clownhead_. 

_It's behind you_! 

_Lex slowly turns round and sees a skinny guy roped to a Pole wearing nothing but boxer shorts and graffiti_. _The skinny guy is wearing the same things._

Lex: ( _falls over_ ) Field Porn! 

Skinny Guy: Please, please help me. _He_ enjoys this, but I'm freezing my tits off. 

_In the distance we see the meteorites beating up the atmosphere with smoke and nailed clubs_. _Lex has got up and is gawping at the sky_. _A large cloud of debris comes over to say hello_. _Lex suddenly remembers that he owes it some money_. _See Lex run_! _Run_ , _Lex_ , _Run_. _See the cloud engulf the skinny guy and throw Lex playfully into the air_. 

Lex: Aaaraugheeeouch! 

* * *

_Cut to main street_. 

_Many people litter the streets_. _A long black trail of doomy smoke is trailing towards them in the sky_. _The people watch with interest_ , _dicussing its likely trajectory and point of impact_. _Some of them mutter surprisedly_. 

Crowd: Gosh! Blimey! Ooh, my giddy aunt!(etc) 

_Nell walks out of the flower shop with Lana_. _She spys the smoke_. 

Nell: Bloody Nora! 

_Cut to a young couple_ , _with everything to live for_ , _standing opposite the flower shop_. _They see Nell and wince at Lana_. 

Laura "Doomed" Lang: Hi Lana! 

Lana: Mommy! Daddy! 

_Suddenly a meteorite falls flat on the Langs and squishes them into self-saucing pancakes_. 

_Nell and Lana are a bit shocked and upset by this rummy turn of events_. _As Lana weeps_ , _heartbreakingly and with phlegm_ , _a passing Time photographer nips in and takes a quick shapshot_. 

_Cut to the Kents_ , _driving on home_ , _whistling_. _A meteorite gets nasty with the road just next to their truck_. 

Martha: What's happening, Jonathon? 

Jonathon: I don't know. Big hail? 

_A meteorite knocks their truck off the road_ , _in a scene the A-team would kill for_. 

* * *

_Cut to cornfield_. 

_Lionel runs round ragged_ , _like a bluearsed fly_ , _looking for his son_. _We see the corn has all lain down_ , _in sympathy with the_ "Just" _video_. _In amongst it are a few tufts of reddish hair_. _Whoo_ , _has that boy shrunk_. 

Lionel ( _to the hair_ ): Lex? Lex? 

_But Lex doesn't live there any more_. 

_Turning_ , _Lionel sees something_. _He unearths Lex from under a heap of knackered corn_. _Lex is shaking and whimpering and in need of a hug_. _Lionel recoils like he just stepped in a rhino turd_. 

* * *

_Cut to an upside down truck_. _The Kents hang from their seatbelts_. _It's relaxing_. _Suddenly a naked toddler appears_. 

Jonathon: Martha? I see... naked people. 

_Martha spots the unclothed sprog_. _She gawps_. _The boy grins unnervingly_. 

_Cut to Jonathon and Martha_. _With one_ ( _offscreen_ ) _bound they were free_ , _and lugging the kid around in a blanket_. 

Jonathon: Kids don't just fall out of the sky, Martha. That's what my dad always used to say. 

Martha: Your dad called you Martha? 

Jonathon: We didn't always get on. 

Martha: But where _did_ he come from Jonathon? 

Jonathon: I don't know, but he must have parents. That's basic biology. 

_They stop short upon finding the l_ ' _il babby ship on the ground_. _They form certain conclusions_. 

Martha: Well, if he does they certainly aren't from Kansas. See? No licence plate. 

Jonathon: Sweetheart, we can't keep him. We don't know where he's been. 

Martha: Finders keepers, losers weepers. So there. 

* * *

_screen text_ : Today 

_Camera pans a farm_. _Cut to computer screen with caption_ : "Record breaking teen cuts hands"  
 _scroll down to_   
"Six year old Korean boy lifts car off injured father. Also money, credit cards." 

Martha: Clark Kent, you're going to be late for the bus! 

Clark: Coming, Mom! 

_He isn't_. _He hasn't met Lex yet_. 

_screen text_ : Smallville 

_An average day_ , _in the average life of your average alien_ - _harbouring household_. _Clark is in the kitchen drinking from the bottle_. _Martha's shaking her head_ , _looking like she'll throttle_. _Jonathon's in the garden_ , _hanging out the clothes_. 

_And down came the blackbird_ , _but luckily he moved_. 

Martha: Clark. Don't do that. 

_She snatches his milk_ , _rather rudely_. 

Clark: It tastes better out of the bottle. 

Martha (sighing): Your father prefers it direct from the source. 

_Jonathon enters_ , _pursued by a bear_. _It gets stage fright and leaves_. _Jonathon takes off his flannelly farmerly jacket_. 

Jonathon: Well, good afternoon, sleepyhead. 

Clark: Dad, stop kidding around. I've been able to tell time since I was eleven. 

Martha: Oh and don't forget I have class tonight. You'll have to cook for yourselves. Deal with it. 

_Clark sits at the table, nursing a piece of paper_. _Cereal is scattered about_. _Apparently Clark has the table manners of a Bugblatter Beast of Traal_. 

Jonathon: Heya Son. Wotcha got there, Sport? 

Clark: Permission slip. For the after school litter pick-up. I've been hit with a surge of enviromental consciousness. 

Jonathon: Oh, really? 

Clark: Okay, no, it's for the football team. Say, isn't it odd that we call it _foot_ ball and yet don't use our feet, but saddle a genuinely foot-related game with the bizarre title of soccer... 

Jonathon: Don't try and distract me with abstract Britishisms, Clark. And don't belittle Football in this house. It is a sacred and special game. And you're not playing it. 

Clark: Come on Dad. I'll run slowly. I won't tackle anybody. Basically, I'll just stand about on the pitch, looking keen. 

Jonathon: What if there's an accident? 

Clark: I'll take clean underwear. ( _bzzt_ ) See, quick change, no-one'll even notice. 

Jonathons: Knickers on the inside, Clark. 

Clark: Oops. 

Jonathon: No Football for you, Braintrust. 

* * *

_Cut to Clark walking outside his house_. _There are cows_. _They feed themselves_ , _keeping a sharp eye out for Jonathon_. 

_We see the schoolbus_ , _being just missed by Clark_. 

_Cut to Chloe and Pete on the bus_. _Chloe hands Pete cash_. 

Chloe: I can't believe you bet against your best friend. 

Pete: I can't believe how sexy you are. 

Chloe: Sorry? 

Pete: I said, if Clark moved any slower he'd be extinct. 

_They laugh_. 

_Cut to Clark, thinking_. _Gears whir_. _How to get to school_ , _how to get to school_? _Hey_! _Wait just one second, matey boy_... _Somewhere a lightbulb explodes_. 

_Clark switches on the superspeed and zooms smugly off into the cornfield_. 

* * *

_Cut to billboard_ : _Pleasant Meadows_ , _another Luthorcorp Project_ , _making America better_ , _homing small puppies_ , _curing cancer and winning one for the Gipper_. 

* * *

_Cut to Smallville High School_. 

_There's a banner on the wall that says_ , "Fly to Victory. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. _Fly_ , eh? Know what I mean?" 

_We see Pete and Chloe_. 

Pete: So, anyone asked you to the dance? Because _I_ really fancy you. 

Chloe: No. 

Pete: Well, you know, if nothing pans out with thingamibob... 

Chloe: Pete, I've told you a million times, I'm not interested in Clark. 

Pete: Well, in that case...did I mention that _I_ find you...I mean really _breasts_ and... 

_Clark walks in_. 

Clark: Hi! I'm Ed Winchester. 

_Chloe is confused_. 

Chloe: Uh, didn't you just...didn't we...didn't I...I mean, how...? 

Clark: I took a shortcut. 

Chloe: Through what? A black hole? 

Clark: Why, no. That would be highly perilous. 

Pete: Well, we can't stand here gabbing all day. We have to hand in our permission slips. 

Clark: Actually, Pete, I've changed my mind. Football. Meh. Synchronised swimming, now _there's_ a sport. 

Pete: Clark, come on. It's the only way. 

Chloe: Wait, you're trying out for the team? A man short enough to get onto the Tiny Tots Teacup ride and one who trips over dust motes? Are you insane? 

_They drag Chloe a slight distance_ , _just out of malice_. 

Pete (whispering extremely loudly): We're trying to avoid becoming this year's scarecrow. And the Teacup ride was ages ago, I've grown an inch since... 

Chloe: What are you on about? 

Pete: It's a Homecoming Tradition. Every year before the big game, the players select a fine-looking figure of a freshman, strip him to his shorts and paint an "S" on his chest. 

Clark: Then they string him up like a scarecrow. It neatly combines the related fields of religion, sex, bullying and performance art. 

Chloe: Well, that's a jolly mean thing to do. 

Pete: We figure they won't pick one of their own. 

_Clark_ , _attention span exhausted_ , _looks about vaguely_. _He spots Lana Lang_ , _an orphan_. 

Clark: I'll just desert you now and go see the pretty lady. 

_He wanders off_. 

_Pete pulls out money_. 

Pete: Give him ten seconds. 

Chloe: Five. 

_Clark strolls_. _Walkety_ - _walk_. 

Pete: 1--2--3--4--5-- 

_Clark falls_. _Crashity_ - _crash_. 

_Chloe gets her money back_. _Smuggity_ - _smug_. 

_Cut to Lana passing Clark a book_. _It's the Portable Nietszche_ , _available from all good book shops_. _We see Lana_ ' _s_ _necklace_. _We see it glow_. _They_ , _apparently_ , don*' _t_. 

Lana: Nietszche. Didn't know you had a dark side, Clark. 

_Clark is trying not to upchuck on the pretty lady_. 

Clark: I just seem to tan more on the right. It's slightly embarrassing. 

Lana: Uh huh. So, what are you- Man or Mouse? Er, I mean, Superman? 

Clark: Superman? I'm not Superman! No sir, no way, no how, Lois. 

Lana: Sorry? 

Clark: Never mind. Had a flashforward. 

_Whitney approaches_. 

Whitney: Lana, there you are. 

_And so she is_. 

_She smiles_. _They kiss_. _Clark watches_ , _running his mental videotape_. 

Whitney: Hey, Clark. (to Lana) I was wondering if you'd check out my, er, English paper, babe. It may need...patting into shape. 

_Clarks sits sickly_. 

Whitney: Hey man, are you going to park a tiger? 'Cos, that's gross. 

Clark: I'm fine. 

_Whitney chucks Clark a book_ , _which causes an ensuing slapstick scene_. 

* * *

_Cut to the innards of the school_. 

_We see a trophy case_. _We see Jeremy_ , _the scarecrow from earlier_ , _looking in the case_. _He finds a picture of three attractive football players and steals it for later use_. 

Jeremy: It's paycheck time. Um, cashback time. Page Beck time? 

_Wanders off_ , _mumbling_. 

_Cut to Porsche_. _It drives towards a plant with the sign_ : _Luthercorp Fertilizer Plant the Third_ ( _Esq_.) _It_ ' _s cold and raining_ _and Lex hasn_ ' _t brought a hat_. _He gets out of the car anyway_. _He looks good_. _A million viewers turn toward the dark side_. 

_Lex is mightily unimpressed_. 

Lex: I'm mightily unimpressed. And wet. 

* * *

_Cut to a_ ' _foot_ ' _ball game_. _Whitney and the school team are prancing about on the field_. _We see Lana being head cheerleaderly_. 

_Cut to Clark watching Lana_ , _wishing he_ ' _d brought his extra strength binoculars_. _He fantasizes about being the goddamn best_ , _goddamn football player_ , _there_ ' _ll ever goddamn be_. _Everybody loves him_. _The ball explodes in a burst of Freudian inspiration_. _Lana runs up to him and adores him_ , _gooily_. 

Lana: I knew you could do it, you big strong hunk of man, you. 

_The crowd cheer them on_. _They_ ' _re about to swap spit when_... 

Pete: Clark! 

_Pete is wearing the football uniform of a three hundred pound gorilla_. _Needless to say he_ ' _s hard to spot_. 

Pete: Does my bum look big in this? 

Clark: Pete? Are you in there? Pete, you got devoured by sports gear! 

_Pete glares at Clark and pulls off his helmet_. 

* * *

_Cut to Lex driving in his cool cool Porsche_. _We see a truck coming the opposite way_. _It spits up a coil of barbed wire and drives off_ , _giggling_. 

_Cut to Clark_ , _a_ - _moping on a bridge_. 

_Cut back to Lex_. _His cell phone rings_. _Lex abandons the rules of road safety and fishes out his phone_. _Looking up he sees the metal on the road_. _Oopsie_. _Crashing into the coil_ , _Lex loses control of the car_ , _which aims determinedly for Clark like a homicidal Herbie the Love Bug_. _There is an elegant slow motion crash sequence_. 

_Cut to The Underwater World of Cars_. _Lex is in the driver_ ' _s seat_ , _unconscious and floaty_. _The roof of the car is suddenly wrenched off and Clark lugs Lex out_. 

_Cut to Clark gently laying Lex on the river bank and kissing him with tongue_. 

Clark: Come on, don't die on me. Then this'd be necrophilia. 

_Fortunately the Kiss of True Love has it_ ' _s usual effect and Lex wakes up_. _Clark fondles him a little more just to make sure_. _Lex spits up water and gazes into Clark's eyes_. 

Lex: Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? And, didn't I just plough into you at high speed? 

Clark: If you did...I'd be dead. 

_He looks a little worried_. _He_ ' _s seen the Sixth Sense_. 

* * *

_Pan over the riverbank_. 

_Ratty and Mole frolic in the sun_. _Ratty shows Mole how flexible his whiskers are_.* Further along the riverbank*... 

... _Clark sits soggily on the grass with a red cape_... _sorry blanket..._ over him*, _while many_ , _many cops wander around and comb things_. _Jonathon bursts in_ , _like an angry blister_. 

Jonathon: Clark! Are you okay? Blanket suits you. 

Clark: I'm fine Dad. 

Jonathon (yelling randomly): Who was the maniac driving that car?...I'll rip his legs off...fong him...pain, lots of pain. 

_Lex comes over_. _He also looks good in a blanket_. 

Lex: That would be me. Lex Luthor. 

_He sticks out his hand_. _Jonathon regards it with the air of one offered a squishy dead skunk_. 

Jonathon: Jonathon Kent. This is my adopted son, Clark. 

Lex (to Clark): Thanks for saving my life. 

Clark: Shucks, it twere'nt nuthin'. 

_He blushes and shuffles his feet_. _Jonathon doesn't like where this is headed_. _He drags his son away_. 

Lex: Clark's an extraordinary boy, Mr. Kent and one hell of a kisser. If there's any way I can repay you... 

Jonathon: Do you have the 'Big, Bouncy and Bovine' Spring catalogue? 

Lex: Er, well no. 

Jonathon: Oh, erm, forget it then. Ahem. 

_Jonathon and Clark leave as the Porsche's mangled corpse is dragged from the river_. _The roof of the car is very suspiciously peeled back_. _Lex looks all Hmm_. _Mysterious_. 

* * *

_It's night and we're panning again_. _We skip along to the yellow brick Kent house and spy on Clark as he spys on Lana_. _Lana comes out onto the porch_.  
 _Clark is a happy boy_.  
 _Whitney suddenly sneaks up behind her_. _Clark puts down the tissues_. 

_Lana and Whitney snuggle a little_. _Lana_ ,* however*,* isn't that sort of girl*. 

Lana: _Whit_ - _ney_. Nell, my horribly oppressive aunt, will be back at any moment. 

Whitney: Hey, we're living life on the edge. 

Lana (ignores him): I mean she might go tsk. And wag her finger really...hard. 

Whitney: Where is she anyway? She does seem to vanish a lot. 

Lana: Lex Luthor's. 

Whitney: She's wasting her time there. That bloke bats on the other side of his trousers. 

Lana: She sold the Luthors a ton of land. A metric ton. The bucket was enormous. 

Whitney: They own the Metropolis Sharks. And the New York sewer crocodiles and the Essex panthers, but I digress. 

She could tell them how great I am. 

Lana: If you want someone to put in a good word ask Clark. He saved Lex's life today. 

Whitney: No way, Jose! 

Lana: S'true. I think life saving is a positive thing. (She nods for emphasis. Life-saving good. Yep.) 

Whitney: So anyway, the coach said to look out on Saturday, the scouts are coming. I'm glad he warned me. They can do mean things with those woggles. 

Lana: Here. Wear my necklace for protection. 

Whitney: I can't take this. 

Lana: You can give it back after you win. 

Whitney: No, I mean...I can't wear a necklace to a football game. That's just...weird. And besides it's made from your 

parents' murder weapon, don't you find it a little...? 

Lana isn't listening. She is doing a Good Deed. 

Lana: So much bad luck came out of it, only good luck can be left. 

_Whitney gives up_ , _disturbed_. 

_Cut back to Clark_ ,* still watching away*.* Now he's wearing a long dirty mac*. 

* * *

_It_ ' _s_ _still night_ , _we're still panning and Frank_ ' _s Auto Repair shop is our goal_. _Frank also has a stalker_. 

Frank: Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle! 

You scared the crap out of me, kid. Look, there it is. 

_He walks toward the kid_ , _who lurks in the shadows_. 

Frank: Don't I know you from somewhere? Oh yeah, I stripped, painted and crucified you a few years back. Good times, huh? 

How's the Polish fella? 

_Jeremy smiles the smile of an insane man_. _Frank reacts foolishly_. 

Frank: Hey freakazoid, wake up! 

_He pokes the nutter on the shoulder_. _There are manuals about not doing this_. _Jeremy has a terrible static electricity problem which flings Frank into a tool cart_. 

Frank: That was twelve years ago, man. It was just a game. It was an accident, the dog ate my homework, I overslept, what do you want? 

Jeremy: To play. 

Frank: Uh, I've got Twister in the back... 

_Frank is duly electrocuted_. _A lot_. 

* * *

_Day_. 

_Cut to Clark_ , _coming home from school_. _Merrily_ , _he skips along_. _Doop de doop_. _But what_ ' _s this_? _A ruddy great truck in the driveway_! _Giftwrapped_! 

Clark: Hey Mom! Whose truck! ( _please let it be mine_ , _please_ , _please_ , _please_ ) 

Martha: Yours. 

Clark: Yes! High Five! 

Martha: It's a gift from Lex Luthor. 

_Martha hands Clark a card_.* He reads it out loud*. _Martha is very proud_. 

Clark: Dear Clark ( _ohmigod he loves me_ ,* he loves me*) Drive safely ( _snerk_ ) Always in your debt. The maniac in the Porsche. ( _swoon_ ) 

_Clark skips a little more_. 

Clark: I don't believe it! Where are the keys? 

Martha: Your father has them. 

Clark: Ah. Now I believe. 

* * *

_Cut to a scene from Fargo_. 

_Jonathon is stuffing Steve Buscemi into a woodchipper_. _We see Clark walk over_. _Jonathon switches off the machine_. 

Jonathon: I know how much you want it, son. But you can't have it and you can't keep the truck, either. 

Clark: Why not? I saved the guy's life. 

Jonathon: So you think you deserve a prize? 

Clark: Yes. And a thank-you blowjob. 

Jonathon: This is not about fellatio, Clark. 

Do you remember Mr. Bell? And Mr. Doorknob? And old Mr. Candlabra? 

Clark: No. 

Jonathon: Well, they cut deals with Lionel Luthor. He gave them flashy gifts. And then he killed them all with an AK47. And 

their little dogs too. 

Clark: So, you're judging Lex on what his father did? 

Jonathon: No Clark, I...well, yes. Yes I am. You still don't get the truck. 

_Clark is both angry and upset_. _He gives his dad a Superglare_. 

Jonathon: Clark I know you're angry, it's normal... 

_Clark turns the stroppy up to eleven_. 

Clark: Normal? 

_He goes over to the woodchipper and turns it on_.* Steve's mortal remains are slurped away*. _Clark waves his hand around_. 

Clark: Is this normal? 

_He plunges his hand into the chipper_. _That is indeed not normal_. _Don't try this at home_ , _woodchipper_ - _owning kids_. 

_Jonathon runs over to him_. _The chipper makes ominous grinding noises_. 

Jonathon: Clark! You'll bust it! 

_He pulls Clark_ ' _s arm out of the chipper_. _It_ ' _s not even scratched_. _The blades_ , _however_ , _will never chip again_. 

Clark: I didn't dive in after Lex. His car hit me at 60 miles an hour! I'd give anything to be normal. 

Jonathon: Normal and dead? 

_Clark ignores him_ , _not wanting to waste a good stomp_. _Jonathon sighs_. _Martha_ , _in the background_ , _tuts a bit_. 

* * *

_Cut to Clark in the loft_. _Jonathon comes in_. 

Jonathon: It's time, son. 

Clark: Time for what? 

Jonathon: The truth. Sometimes honesty is just unavoidable. 

I want you to take a look at something. 

_He hands Clark a weird diskette thing with strange and wondrous symbols on it_. 

Jonathon: I think it's from your parents. Not us, the other ones. 

Clark: What does it say? 

Jonathon: I don't know, son. I was sick the day we did Martian at school. 

Clark: What are you saying, Dad? 

Jonathon: You're real parents weren't exactly from...around here... 

_He squints and nods his head significantly towards the sky a couple of times_. 

Clark: What are you trying to tell me Dad? That I'm from another planet? 

Jonathon: Planet Schmanet, Janet. 

Clark: I'm from another planet and I'm a _girl_? 

Jonathon: No Clark, I meant...I mean God no, Clark, I hope not, but...anyway you're an alien. 

Clark: Well fuck me bandy. 

Jonathon: It wouldn't feel right, son. 

* * *

_Cut to the storm cellar_. 

_Jonathon pulls the tarp off the ship to show Clark_. _Ta_ - _Da_! 

Jonathon: We found you the day of the meteor shower. 

Clark: How come you didn't think to mention this before? Like... Hey Clark, the Human Race? You don't have a membership 

card. 

Jonathon: We wanted to protect you. 

Clark: From what? 

Jonathon: Um...species envy? 

Clark: I hate you, I hate you, it's so unfair! 

_Clark superspeeds away_ , _lightly singing his dad_. 

* * *

_The camera pans Lana and it's right to do so_. _She rides into the cemetery carrying flowers_. _She hears a noise as she dismounts_. 

Lana: Who hell you? 

Clark: Clark. 

Lana: Clark Kent? 

Clark: How many Clarks do you know? We're mercifully few. 

Lana: What're you doing a-creeping about in the woods? 

_Cut to Clark in front of a winged statue_ , _so the wings appear to spring from his shoulders_. _He looks like a great big mopey seagull_. 

Clark: I'm not creeping. I'm posing. 

_He turns away_ , _miffed_. 

Lana: Wait Clark...(sincere voice) are you okay? 

Clark: I'm hanging about in a graveyard. Does that strike you as okay behaviour? 

Lana: Hey, I'm here too. 

Clark: Exactly. 

Lana: I come out here to talk with my parents. You must think I'm pretty weird. Conversing with the dead. 

Clark: Oh yeah. That's mondo weird. 

_Lana_ ' _s tuned out again_. 

Lana: They died when I was three. Those were the only happy years of my life. 

Clark: Gosh. 

Lana: No, don't be sorry Clark. It wasn't your fault that meteors came from the sky and crushed them before my tender young 
    
    
          eyes.
          Come on, I'll introduce you.
    

_She grabs Clark and drags him over to a grave_. 

Lana: Mom, Dad this is Clark Kent. Say Hi, Clark. 

Clark: Hi. 

_Lana cackles madly_. 

_Cut to tombstone_ :   
Lewis(1957-1989) and Laura (1959-1989) Lang. Forever in Syrup. 

_Lana squats_. _Clark squats_. _They squat together_. 

_Lana proceeds to talk to the grave_. _Clark looks nervous throughout_. 

Lana: Yeah, he is kind of dumb. ( _listens to the spooky voices in her head_ ) How should I know? Doofus. Cark, Mom wants to know if you're upset about a girl. 

_Clark shakes his head_. 

Lana: Dad wants to know if you're upset about a guy. 

_Clark blushes_. 

Clark: Uh, no. No. Nope-ity-nope. 

_Bloody dead people_. _No respect for privacy_. 

Lana: Yeah. I mean that's just silly. 

_Clark coughs_. 

Lana: Seriously, Clark. Why are you here? 

Clark: Well, when a mummy alien and a daddy alien love each other very much... I mean... hey, Lana, did ever feel your life was supposed to be different? 

_She nods_. _She can't help it_. _She has a novelty nodding car_ - _dog in her convoluted ancestry_. 

Lana (takes a deep breath): Sometimes, I dream that my parents aren't dead, they just nipped off for a pack of cigarettes. From Brazil. Then they turn up and we drive back to my real life where everything's perfect and fluffy for ever and ever. And then I wake up. For a minute, I'm totally happy until I realise... I'm still... _alone_. 

_Lana looks sad_. 

Clark: ...Apart from your aunt, of course. 

Lana: Well, yeah. 

Clark: And your friends. 

Lana: Them too, but... 

Clark: And Whitney. 

Lana: Right. 

Sooo, did my parents talk to you? 

Clark: Talk...? Uh, yeah. They said you're real pretty and they're real proud of you and you shall be Queen of the May. 

Lana: Ooh, goody! 

* * *

_Cut to Clark walking Lana to her home_. 

Lana: Thanks for walking me to my home. 

Clark: No sweat. 

Lana: Do you realise this is the longest conversation we've ever had? 

We should do this again. 

Clark: We'd get deja vu. That can be nasty. Boils and such. 

So, are you going to the dance? 

Lana: Yes. With Whitney. My boyfriend. 

Clark: Oh yeah. 

Lana: Are you? 

Clark: Going with Whitney? 

Lana: Going to the dance, Clark. 

Clark: Nah. Why dance when you can...not dance. 

Lana: Shame. 'Cause if you change your mind I might just be flexible about the whole boyfriend scenario. And I mean _flexible_ ( _She pecks Clark on the cheek_. _Usually he only gets that from chickens_. _Ugly chickens at that_.) Goodnight Clark. 

_Cut to Clark grinning_. _She's gone_! 

_Cut to Whitney lurking_. _He watches_ , _displeased_. 

* * *

_Panning the outside of the Luthor Homestead_. _Cut to the interior_. _We see Clark trespassing in a hallway_. 

Clark: Hello? 

_He picks a random door and barges in_. _Inside two people are fencing_. _Clark watches with surprise_.  
 _The woman fencer pins the man against the wall_. _Clark watches with his tongue out and a notebook_. _But_ , _sadly_ , _the encounter goes nowhere and the man flings his frustrated sword across the room_. _It embeds itself in the wall by Clark's head_. _Yeep_ , _he thinks_. 

_The guy takes off his mask_. _It is the one_ , _the only Lex Luthor_. 

Lex: Clark? 

_Clark checks his reflection in the sword_. _Yep_. _He was definitely him_. 

Lex: I didn't see you. 

Clark: I, uh, buzzed but no one answered. 

Lex: They wouldn't. I don't have a doorbell. 

_Lex walks over and pulls the sword out of the wall_. _Clark looks nervous_. _And aroused_. 

Lex: How did you get through the gate. 

Clark: Come on, Lex, your security is lousy. An arthritic granny could force her way in here. 

Lex: That's true. At some point, I really should tighten that up. 

Clark: Is this a bad time? 

Lex: No, no, I think Heike has sufficiently kicked my ass for the day. 

Clark: Oh. Kinky. 

_Lex walks past him out into the hallway_. _Clark looks around_ , _well impressed_. 

Clark: This is a great place. 

Lex: Yeah? If you're dead and in the market for something to haunt. 

Clark: Actually, I know this dead couple, might be wanting a change... 

Lex: It's the Luthor ancestral home or so my father claims. He had it shipped over from Scotland, the flash git. 

_They go upstairs_ , _where Lex undresses_. _Lets linger over that for awhile_. _Sadly he has clothes on under his clothes_. 

Lex: So, how's the new ride? 

Clark: That's why I'm here. 

_Lex slings a towel round his neck and selects a bottle of blue water_. 

Lex: What's the matter? You're more of a chocolates kind of guy? 

Clark: No it's not that. I can't keep it. 

_Lex is vexed_. _Sexy vexed Lex_. _He puts down the water and has a Tex Mex_. _Lex walks over to Clark_. _He looks him in the eye and then in the body_. 

Lex: Clark, you saved my life. I think it's the least I can do. 

_Clark looks down_. _He wants to see what Lex was looking at_. 

Lex: Your father hates my guts with a burning passion, doesn't he? 

_Clark gives a_ 'well, yeah, kinda' _shrug_. 

Lex: It's okay. I've been bald since I was nine. I'm used to people judging me before they get to know me. Or else they have this compulsive urge to lick my head. 

_Clark chokes a little_. 

Clark: It's nothing personal. Definitely not _that_ personal. My Dad just hates your Dad. 

Lex: Oh good. Would you rather be Romeo or Juliet? 

_Clark smiles shyly_. _Lex smiles shyly_. 

Clark: I have to go. Thanks for the... truck. 

_He hands over the keys to the truck and starts to leave_. 

Lex: Clark! 

_Clark stops_. 

Lex: Do you believe a man can fly? 

Clark: No Lex. It's all done with wires. 

Lex: I flew. When I was dead. Death was quite fun altogether. I soared over Smallville and saw a fresh beginning. Also, some couples making out in the bushes and a streaker.( _He smiles at Clark_ ).Thanks to you, I have a second chance. And some vivid mental images. ( _Shakes head_ ) Hell of a place to get a thorn. 

_Clark sympathetically winces_. 

Lex: We have a future, Clark. I don't want anything to stand in the way of our timeless love story. 

_They look at each other for ever_. 

* * *

_And there we cut to_ : _Town_ , _where a man leaves a store on a stretcher_. _Chloe and Pete are slack_ - _jawed gawpers in the crowd_. _So is Jeremy_. 

Chloe and Pete (in chorus): Boom. Boom. Boom. Another jock bites the dust. 

Pete( points at Jeremy): Say, who's that suspicious looking character. 

Chloe: I don't know, but he sure is suspicious. I'll take his picture and investigate his life history. 

* * *

_Cut to Torch office_. _We see a yearbook picture of Jeremy_. 

Chloe: This is Jeremy Creek, twelve years ago. This is him four hours ago. I bet he uses Oil of Ulay. 

Clark: That's impossible. He'd be about twenty six today. Twenty somethings just don't look fifteen. 

_Clark breaks off feeling unaccountably embarrassed_. 

Pete: I bet on evil twins. But I lost. 

Chloe: Jeremy was in a coma for twelve years. His electrolytes were out of whack, hence the no aging thing. 

Clark: Oh, well as long as there's a plausible explanation. 

Chloe: He's awake now because of a massive electrical storm which, I theorise, turned him into a walking electrical generator. I think he's using his powers for evil. 

Clark: But why go after a bunch of dumb, helpless jocks? 

Pete(does drumroll): Twenty years ago, to the very day, on a dark and stormy... 

Clark: Pete. 

Pete: They made him the scarecrow. 

_Chloe hands over a informative newspaper clipping_. 

Chloe: The meteors did it! They're behind everything that goes on in this messed-up town! Now, if only we could find their leader... 

Clark: Mad. As. A snake. 

Chloe: No, seriously. I have a wall. 

* * *

_Pete and Chloe introduce Clark to the Wall of Weird_. 

Chloe: It started as a scrapbook and then kind of mutated. Which is quite ironic, really... 

_We see clippings of various weirdnesses_ : _Area man_ ' _s right side moves to his left side_ , _while his left moves over to his right_ ; _Glowing green things found scattered about_ - _ignored_ ; _Cow feeds self_ , _is invited on talkshows_. 

Clark: Why didn't you tell me? 

Chloe: We all keep secrets Clark. That was aimed at you, by the way. 

_The camera is dragged_ , _slowly and inexorably_ , _across the wall to centre on Lana_ ' _s face_ , _blubbing her three_ - _year old eyes out on Time magazine_. 

Clark: Whew, Lana was an ugly kid. Wait! Lana...me...my fault...sorrow and heartbreak...No! 

_Clark speeds away_ , _leaving Pete and Chloe in his dust_ , _choking slightly_. 

* * *

_We cut to the front of school stairs_ , _which Clark is going down on_. _He_ ' _s so occupied with this that he's startled when a hand descends onto his shoulder_. 

Clark: Chloe, I'm in the middle of somethi.. 

_But lo_! _It is not Chloe but Whitney_ , _the Hound_ , _who has our fair young hero_. 

Whitney: Congratulations Clark! You made scarecrow this year! It was a tough field but you just had that edge. 

Clark: Wow! Do I get a badge? 

Whitney: Er, no. 

Clark: Oh, well. ( _loses interest and turns to leave_ ). 

_Whitney grabs him_ , _exposing his necklace_. 

Clark: Hah! That's so girly. ( _Suddenly realises what it is and wilts a bit_ ) Oh shit. 

Whitney: Girly eh? Well now you can be girly too! ( _slings necklace on Clark_ ) Hmm. Looks good on you. 

_Whitney and other assorted jocks_ , _dump Clark in their truck and speed away_ , _cackling all the while_. _Jeremy watches and lurks in the shadows_. _He's a multitasker_. 

* * *

_It's night and Clark is sprawled_ , _in his boxers_ , _on a cross_. 'S' _is spray_ - _painted on his chest_. _Any resemblance to any other characters_ , _real or imaginary_ , _is bloody obvious_. _At least he doesn't have a Crown of Kryponite_. 

Jeremy: Heh. Heh heh. 

Clark: Help...me. 

Jeremy: Well, I could but ...nah. I'll just go and commit revenge on everybody, thanks. At the Homecoming dance. Thought I'd just drop that in. 

_He walks off_ , _having failed in his duty as a boy scout and clean living American_. 

Clark: Bugger. 

* * *

_Which links us neatly to Plant number three_ , _where Lex is driving about a bit_. _He spots Jeremy leaping past him and gets out of the car_. _Then he picks himself up and reminds himself to stop the car first_ , _next time_. _He hears an eerie disembodied voice_ , _saying_ "Help me." _He's contracted deja vu_. _It_ ' _s been going round_. _Lex wades into the corn_ , _sensibly carrying a torch_. _He sees a wet dream on a pole_. 

Lex: Clark? 

_Clark looks up_. 

Lex: Aw, jeez. 

_Funny you should say that_ , _Lex_... 

_Lex gets Clark down off the pole_. 

Lex: Who did this to you? 

Clark: A resurrected scarecrow of eternal youth.. 

Lex: Oh. Gosh. 

_The necklace mysteriously disengages from Clark_ ' _s neck_. _Clark is born again_! _He grabs his clothes_. 

Lex: Clark, you need to see a doctor. 

Clark: Hah! I have no need of doctors now, puny human! Now, I must go to save more of your kind. 

_He rushes off_ , _heroically_. 

Lex (yelling): At least, let me give you a ride! ( _sees Clark is gone_ ) Huh. Waste of a double entendre. 

_His flashlight droops_ ( _cough_ ), _illuminating the necklace on the ground_. _He picks it up and looks thoughtful_ , _as is his wont_. 

* * *

_Cut to the Highstepping_ , _Hip_ - _hopping_ , _Homecoming Dance_. _Jeremy skulks_. _Lurking wasn't good enough for the occasion_. _Inside the school_ , _kids are cutting up the rug_. _Other kids are dancing_. _Chloe_ ' _s dancing and Pete_ ' _s dancing and Lana_ ' _s dancing and Whitney_ ' _s dancing_. _They dance_ , _dance_ , _dance_. 

_Cut to Jeremy_. _He doesn't dance_. _He opens a sprinkler system box instead_. 

Clark (rather suddenly appearing): You need to stop this, Jeremy. Go tango instead, you'll love it. _La_ la la la derderderder _der_ der ( _He demonstrates_ , _mentally substituting Lex for Jeremy_ ). 

_Jeremy shakes Clark off_. _Clark is grateful_. _He_ ' _s still visualising Lex_. 

Jeremy: I don't know how you got here. Or where you're gonna go. I guess you have your reasons, but I just don't want to know. 'Cause for twelve or so years I've been waiting to fry, Smallville High. 

Clark: O-kay. Um... Please don't? 

Jeremy: I have to do this, Clark. For the oppressed and weak. For the kicks. 

Clark: Look, what happened to you was my fault. 

Jeremy: It was? Oh. Why then, I shall electrocute you too. 

_He tries to do so and gets flung into a car for his trouble_. 

Clark: Surrender Dorothy. I mean, Jeremy. 

_Jeremy doesn't_. _Instead he runs Clark through a wall with a car_ , _the bounder_. _This busts a pipe_ , _which spews some water_ , _which goes all over superconductor boy_. 

_Fireworks briefly ensue_. 

Clark: You okay? 

Jeremy: Who hell you? Where hell me? Ooh, my aching pancreas...Excuse me sir, am I on fire? 

Clark: Me Clark Kent. You in Smallville. You do have a bit of singeing, there, yes. 

Jeremy: I wanna go home. 

_Clark nods_. _He will make it so_. 

* * *

_Cut back to the dance_. _Lana and Whitney snog like horny puppydogs_. _It's Clark_ ' _s turn to lurk in the shadows_. _The grubby mac has mysteriously returned_. 

* * *

_Cut to Clark in parking lot_. _He sees JockTrucks_. _Mmm_. 

_Seven minutes later he is still attempting to stack them without crushing them_ , _or him_ , _or the sidewalk_. _Giving up_ , _he just flips the trucks onto their backs and leaves them there_ , _like a row of angry giant turtles_. 

_Cut to Clark in the loft_ , _looking at the sky_ , _for once_ , _through his telescope_. 

Jonathon: Your grandpappy gave me that telescope. Well, not your real grandpappy obviously. You're adopted and also inhuman. Soooo, you okay? 

Clark: Can I answer that in about five years? 

Jonathon: Gee, son I knew you were a little behind in school but... 

Clark: Dad. Sheesh. 

_Jonathon mosies on down the stairs_. 

_Lana appears_ , _all purty and dressed up_. 

Lana: I didn't see you tonight, Clark. 

Clark: What are you doing here? 

Lex: She's not really here, Clark. You're hallucinating. 

_Lex peels a banana very_ , _very slowly and eats it_. _He licks a smidgen of pulp from his lip_. 

Clark: Guh. 

Lana (annoyed): Huh. Well, _he_ 's not real either.( _vanishes_ ) 

Clark: Meh. Nobody's perfect. 

_A horn honks and Lex vanishes too_.  
 _Clark looks out and sees Lana waving at the car which just dropped her off_. 

Clark: Thanks a bunch, Lana. 

_Lana waves her head around vaguely for a bit_. _She smiles and goes inside_ , _imaginary thwarting accomplished_. 

The End. 


End file.
